I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
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Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”