I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
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Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
There’s no “us” in nachos.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
🔦🌙👣
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”