I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
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If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Autocorrect is my menesis
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
No regrets in 2018
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”