@brianbowman73

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

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@shamanhealer

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

@LittleMissAngr1

I can’t wink with my right eye. Please stand to the left of me for optimal flirting.

@pplwtching

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

@DevilryFun

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

@GaryJanetti

Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.

@NickadooLA

Mitt Romney says that people who are voting for Barack Obama don’t work and don’t pay taxes. I guess that means Romney is voting for Obama.

@daplusk

Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse!

Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around

@JohnLyonTweets

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

@dugglebutt

*cactus hasn’t died in a year*

*adds botanist to resumé*