@brianbowman73

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

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@shariv67

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

@BazarComedy

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

@SeiYoung83

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

@SatansTongue

*at church*
“Does anyone have anything else for the offering basket?”
? ????? ?? ????? ???? ?????
“Jim no”

@OctopusCaveman

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

@ObiWanPunobi

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

@envydatropic

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

@Mom_Overboard

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

@ErinEph

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.