I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

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Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.


Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.


*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.


*at church*
“Does anyone have anything else for the offering basket?”
? ????? ?? ????? ???? ?????
“Jim no”


Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.


What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?


Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.


Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber


You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.