I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

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I’ve seen:

•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.


I can’t wink with my right eye. Please stand to the left of me for optimal flirting.


Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.


I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.


Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.


Mitt Romney says that people who are voting for Barack Obama don’t work and don’t pay taxes. I guess that means Romney is voting for Obama.


Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks


Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse!

Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around


Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.


*cactus hasn’t died in a year*

*adds botanist to resumé*