I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
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Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”