I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
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Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.