@ninjadinosaur1

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

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@mattgallo123

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

@HardDriveMag

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

@IAmKatieOrr

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

@GreenishDuck

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

@RamblingMachine

If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.

@Darlainky

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

@DepecheALAmode

Guy at the gym had “True Gentleman” tattooed on his arm. I was about to make fun of him, but he held the door for me as I left. Great guy.

@Annekinns

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

@MikeCanRant

My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.