I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
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[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.