Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
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Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Banana is the quietest snack
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.