@KKBowls

“I dropped the ball”

– things you never wanna hear during a Vasectomy

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@trevso_electric

“Never Have I Ever” is a party game and fun way to find out who shouldn’t be donating blood.

@LuvPug

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

@DurtMcHurtt

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

@dumbbeezie

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

@Aspersioncast

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

@TuSoonShakur

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

@mrjohndarby

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

@junejuly12

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

@GrantTanaka

I just found out that his full name is actually Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

@MeetingBoy

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?