@Social_Mime

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

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@markedly

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

@kieransofar

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

@KentWGraham

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

@E_lok44

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

@Queen_Sassy_AF

Nothing says summer like being pushed back into the ocean because a group of kids think you’ve beached yourself.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

@DanMentos

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

@Sheila_Mac420

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.

@_ElvishPresley_

I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I’m a fan.