I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

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[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”


[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do


My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.


Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.


Nothing says summer like being pushed back into the ocean because a group of kids think you’ve beached yourself.


5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation


I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit


I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.


I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I’m a fan.