I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
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we’re dead?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink