I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
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her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.