There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
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[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I sexually identify with the black guy in a horror movie because this won’t last long and we all know it
When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*