I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
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If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation