@envydatropic

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

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@MarcusTheToken

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

@BradBroaddus

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

@writersdream

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

@SJSchauer

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

@mommajessiec

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

@attsmcjay

I learn from the mistakes people make after taking my advice.

@ehdannyboy

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

@TitansHomer

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”