I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“I wouldn’t.”
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel