@EmmyStar79

I dunno, I think Kim Jung Un’s surgeon did a killer job.

You Might Also Like

@Sassafrantz

[Ghost Hunters]
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up

@jdforshort

How much for that babysitter?

Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape

I’ll take it!

@Michael_Erhart

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

@BuckyIsotope

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

@chrizmillr

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

@DrakeGatsby

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

@pilau

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

@pittdave13

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

@amethystxmatt

turns out skrillexs music has healing properties: during a concert, a paralysed boy stood up and left

@TweetPotato314

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.