This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up
I dunno, I think Kim Jung Un’s surgeon did a killer job.
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How much for that babysitter?
Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape
I’ll take it!
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Boy: Mike’s dad?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
turns out skrillexs music has healing properties: during a concert, a paralysed boy stood up and left
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.