[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Y’all ready for this
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?