I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
The news
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.