I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
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If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.