@CubanaMama82

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

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@obijawn

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

@YoungNobler

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

@EricGoldie

I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.

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@Donnie_Fairburn

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

@frankpallotta

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

@Emma_HumbleBea

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

@capnwatsisname

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

@caperbc75

First off I want to commend you for taking part in credit counselling. Now, under assets you wrote “like an onion”. Can you clarify?