I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
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Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Found my door mat
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax