*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
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date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
this is 10/10 content no notes
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender