I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
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Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
“what that mouth do?” complain
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
<- sleeps well with others
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Donkey Kong sommelier
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?