@gumdropheaven

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

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@Darlainky

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

@onlxn

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

@dafloydsta

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

@TheBoydP

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

@DadandBuried

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

@RdrJay47

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

@AbbieEvansXO

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

@CooIStepDad

[Riot]

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

*far in the back*

PIZZA ROLLS

“No Jim we want freedom”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”

PIZZA ROLLS

“JIM”

But I’m hungry 🙁