@Darlainky
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
@gumdropheaven
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
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@Darlainky
@onlxn
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
@PetiteRainCity
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
@dafloydsta
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
@TheBoydP
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
@DadandBuried
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
@XplodingUnicorn
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
@RdrJay47
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
@AbbieEvansXO
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
@CooIStepDad
[Riot]
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
*far in the back*
PIZZA ROLLS
“No Jim we want freedom”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”PIZZA ROLLS
“JIM”
But I’m hungry 🙁