I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
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Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
waiting for halloween be like:
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up