I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.


It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.


The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.


My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.


Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.


*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*


Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.


Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*


Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.