@crunchenhancer

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

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@LindaInDisguise

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

@sannewman

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

@DameSpunky

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

@BuckyIsotope

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

@RummyLauded

Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.

@missekay

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

@Kali_Mura

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

@ddsmidt

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

@beefman138

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.