I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
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Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea