I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
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When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
next level snooze
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.