I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.