I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
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I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?