i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
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GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
So many pants.
So little yoga.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My circle of trust is a meatball
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
A dad and his duck
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him