We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
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Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
still the best tweet of the year by far
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh