Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
You wish you had this many chins.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope