I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

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This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.


Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.


I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.


[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit


I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.


I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.


Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please


A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.


When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.