This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
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Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
My favorite X-Men character is Nicki Minaj.