@bridger_w

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

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@Swishergirl24

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

@SomthinBoutSara

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

@Pundamentalism

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

@iamrandomape

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

@1Bad_Scientist

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

@Izianikapani

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

@AnkCoupleTO

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

@EmmaManzini

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

@Cheeseboy22

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.