I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
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I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Bobby pin
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…