I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

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That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.


Things never heard before sex,

“Wait let me take off my crocs first”


I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.


Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!


“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom


Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*


Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.




Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.


People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.


Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.