I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
You Might Also Like
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
This cat wants you to take your pills
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.