Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
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Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
what do you want!!!!!!!!
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl