i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
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A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
excuse me
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing