Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
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Ladies, if he tells you he’s 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren’t two separate measurements.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”
It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I’m calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.
Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.
Me: Hello, yes, I’d like one Big Mac please, no cyanide
McDonalds worker: cyanide?
Me: you know what fine
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Nuns lead a very regimented and routine life. You might even say they’re creatures of habit.