I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

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Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns


Ladies, if he tells you he’s 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren’t two separate measurements.


[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel


I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I’m calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.


They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’


I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.


Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.


Me: Hello, yes, I’d like one Big Mac please, no cyanide

McDonalds worker: cyanide?

Me: you know what fine


Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room


Nuns lead a very regimented and routine life. You might even say they’re creatures of habit.