I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
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[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
this is literally a CIA plant
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic