I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
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The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
what are they serving at kfc then???