@mydmac

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

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@roxiqt

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

@daneZie

How to fall down stairs
Step 1
Step 6
Step 7,8,9,11

@JPLFR80

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

@suzieQ0007

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

@AimeeHelene1

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

@Dustinkcouch

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

@neiltyson

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

@GoldenSpirals

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

@aveuaskew

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.