Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso’s Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf.
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Bartender: “Do you want a drink, miss?”nnMe: “What are my choices?”nnBartender: “Yes or No.”
According to MyFitnessPal, I have been dead for 6 weeks.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)