If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
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4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Stop.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
My kitchen overserved me.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4