I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
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Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.