@OhNoSheTwitnt

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

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@ADHDeanASL

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

@XplodingUnicorn

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

@Pro_Jones_

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

@KeetRidley

“Hey, your fly’s down”

Oh shit..

*pets fly’s head* you’ll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we’ll get you some new wings

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

@FlyJ_

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

@momtribevibe

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

@DanLaMorte

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

@Brianhopecomedy

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.