I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
You Might Also Like
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.