@jonnysun

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

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@Fickle_Filly

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

@VinnyPisciotta1

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

@MarfSalvador

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

@BobTheSuit

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

@squirrel74wkgn

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

@KalvinMacleod

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

@TheBoydP

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

@asanders1972

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.