I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
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I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”