In high school I was voted class clown after I gave people red balloons and dragged them into the sewer.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
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20 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try ecstasy
30 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try using properly sharpened kitchen knives
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Not all heroes wear capes
Daaaaamn boy. Are you an Adobe update? Cause you keep showing up and I still don’t want you.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Me: start a revolution.
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.