@PinkCamoTO

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

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@Home_Halfway

In high school I was voted class clown after I gave people red balloons and dragged them into the sewer.

@grievre

20 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try ecstasy
30 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try using properly sharpened kitchen knives

@chimneyspotter

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

@ericsshadow

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

@Carbosly

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

@lilgapeach30

Daaaaamn boy. Are you an Adobe update? Cause you keep showing up and I still don’t want you.

@daddydoubts

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

@squirrel74wkgn

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.