My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Mmmm. Shoeshi
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!