I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
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Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
🤣🤣🤣
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal