“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
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guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Natural selection at its finest
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.