@galiamango

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

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@awescar

If you want to hide a gift for your husband, just put it in the pantry with one thing in front of it.

@D_Ciphered

My ex (2 years ago) : Let’s spice things up and role play!

Me: I’m in!

Ex: “Good evening, Mr. Grey…”

Me: I’m out!

@carlyken

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

@TomSchally

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

@Royal_Stein

I will never tell you what I did for a Klondike bar. That’s between me and the survivors.

@Social_Mime

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

@Phoebetate

I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.

@MommySatirical

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

@JediGigi

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

@Tmoney68

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.