I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
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Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.