I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

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[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*


Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing


Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.


Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.


Me: So you’re from Italy?

Sean: Oh yeah. Whole family. If there’s such a thing as too much Italian…

Me: I hear ya. Hey just curious, the family all has super Italian names, what’s with yours? … Sean?





Sean: … it’s short for Parmesean.


Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…

And now we wait.


[uses the restroom]
Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down
Me: okay
Me: [to toilet seat] you’re worthless and nobody likes you




I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”


Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No