@Fickle_Filly

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

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@fro_vo

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

@whimsik_l

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

@laurenlapkus

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

@GianDoh

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

@mattewe02

Me: So you’re from Italy?

Sean: Oh yeah. Whole family. If there’s such a thing as too much Italian…

Me: I hear ya. Hey just curious, the family all has super Italian names, what’s with yours? … Sean?

Sean:

Me:

Sean:

Me:

Sean: … it’s short for Parmesean.

@rikpayne

Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…

And now we wait.

@LaziestCanine

[uses the restroom]
Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down
Me: okay
Me: [to toilet seat] you’re worthless and nobody likes you

@kimholcomb

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

@ChrisThayerSays

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

@Steven37366100

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No