I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
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I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
God has abandoned us.