I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
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Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Google assistant rules
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me